Relational Health

Written by: Carl Shank

It was a Tuesday evening church board meeting in the pastor’s home. The church had just conducted a natural church development diagnostic, and I had prepared to share the results with the church leadership. Their minimum factor was “loving relationships.”

All went well with the presentation until I graphically displayed their minimum factor.

The oldest member of the board took vocal and emotional exception to the score reported.

He vociferously maintained that either I had made a mistake in analyzing the data, or I had brought them another church’s results!

As I sought to answer this gentleman’s angry suggestions, I pointed out that Jesus taught us that this world will know we are his disciples “by our love” (cf. John 13:35).

“Loving relationships” are fundamental to a church’s inner and outer health and witness.

He then maintained that a church doesn’t need loving relationships so long as the teaching is correct and the church is following the Bible. He further suggested that this “feel-good” stuff can smother the true gospel.

God, I believe, at that moment prompted me to ask him if he had any friends among the people of the church, fully expecting that he did and thereby using friendships as a way to talk about relationships. His answer shocked and surprised all of us—“I don’t have any friends in this church! I’ve tried friendships elsewhere, and they never work! I have been

a leader here for over 30 years. All that is necessary are the right convictions.” At that,

I remember the pastor laying his head down on the table out of grief, shock and frustration.

The meeting ended as well as could be expected. While this gentleman refused to yield any ground on the issue of relationships in the church, the other board members saw the wisdom of dealing with this quality characteristic in a church-wide meeting. A few weeks later, I held a meeting with the entire congregation. When I asked the church how many of them were “newer” to the body, all of the folks on the right side of the center aisle raised their hands. I then asked a show of hands of the people who had been there for over ten years, and all of the people on the left side of the center aisle raised their hands. The church leader who had been so negative just sat on the left-hand side, his arms folded.

The folks on the right-hand side of the aisle complained that the folks on the left-hand side did not welcome them, had not made any friendships with them and treated them as outsiders. The folks on the left-hand side of the aisle didn’t deny the accusations. They just maintained that the church was “their” church. We took a break, and the pastor, rather new and young at the task, looked at me for a “way out” of a tension-filled meeting.

The tension was so heavy you could almost sense Satan getting ready to claim

a victory. At the break time, the pastor and I sat on the front pew and prayed for God

to perform a relational miracle in the congregation.

After the break, I believe God took over the meeting. I asked the folks on the left side of the church, those who had been there for over ten years, what they used to do for fellowship on Sundays when they first started meeting. One gentleman said they used to go over to “Frank’s farm” for ice cream. God birthed an idea for resolution. I then went to the right side of the church and asked the newer people if they liked ice cream! Most raised their hands in the affirmative. I shifted to the left side and asked if Frank was still attending the church, and if he still had a farm to invite folks over. They said “Yes.” I then asked them

if they would like to resurrect the ice cream fellowship practice on Sunday afternoons. They were open to the idea. Going over to the right side, I asked the newer people if they would like to have ice cream on Frank’s farm with the other half of the church. They loved the idea.

I then announced my recommendation that the whole congregation plan to meet regularly for a while at Frank’s farm after church for ice cream and fellowship. Both sides agreed.

The pastor told me afterwards that this simple resolution released the tension that evening, and people started talking with each other. They did go over to the farm

a couple of times for an ice cream social, but the key was helping them break down their perceived impasse. A few people did leave the church, and the especially difficult gentleman on the board resigned and found another church to attend. Relationships started to heal.

I visited that church a year or so later at the invitation of the pastor. Small groups were being formed and the church seemed to have a new energy and desire to worship and reach new people for Christ. Attendance continued to grow despite the folks who left. Yes, this small church still has its needs and still has to work at relationship building. However, they are on their way toward truly healthy loving relationships.